Texaslovescanada’s Weblog

I spent the day at labour and delivery because the cats got in a really bad fight and I was trying to break them up and after chasing them up the stairs I fell. I hit my stomach and I called the Dr and she said because I am 35 weeks that I needed to come in and make sure everything was okie. the monitored me and the heartbeat was fine but they noticed I was having contractions. Duh I didn’t know what they felt like. lol

So then they sent me down for an ultrasound just to make sure that everything was good and it was, she said that pickle looked good and that she saw hair! I kept having contractions but they said I wasn’t dilated so they gave me a shot of terbeline or turobline or something like that to stop the contractions. That worked for about half an hour and they started right back again and were even worse and closer together. so they kept monitoring me and took blood and checked my stuff and said that I still hadn’t dilated at all so they were going to send me home on bed rest and I have to go back again tomorrow to be monitored to make sure I m not having any problems or to see if I am more dilated and I am ready to have pickle.

I am still having contractions but I am feeling okie and I just have to take it easy the next couple of days and hopefully I will just be able to go another couple of weeks or so. I am really not sure what’s going to happen and I got kind of scared because I was all alone in the hospital all day.

I really feel like I don’t always have a lot to talk about but I guess this is my place to vent if I want to vent, cry if I want to cry and laugh if I want to laugh.

These last couple of weeks have been stressful. Things at the house could be better to be honest.  And as it gets closer and closer to the due date the reality of what is happening is really starting to sink in. Of course then I think why has it taken this long to sink in?  To be honest the reality of the situation has always been there looming, hovering just over my head but sometimes it’s just easier to look up and only see sunshine.

The daily destractions of life make it easier to take things day by day and not get too far ahead of myself.

I am feeling a little wierd right now. I will have to pick this up later.

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:27:52 PM): how are things going?

Texas (3/22/2009 8:29:33 PM): well i’m just realy starting to think that i was right in getting out the first time. and now just realy tired of it, but scared of change alittle but if i go border patrole i think i will find what i’m looking for

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:29:52 PM): what are you tired of?
texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:30:21 PM): and it would be a big change and I understand why you would be scared, but you have me and pickle!

Texas (3/22/2009 8:32:33 PM): well just doing nouthing, and this unit it’s just not what i think i want, or wanted. i think when i decided i want to go back in i was having a really bad case of survivers guilt. pluse i was single now i want to be home with you guy’s. but still have a job that is a little exciting

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:33:24 PM): Aww. I know this must be really different for you because you have a family that loves and misses you so much. you know I will always support you in whatever you decide.  You are a really good provider and I know you always think of our best interests

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:34:37 PM): I still think you should keep working and try and get promoted and then just go from there. I know it’s hard though to keep in good spirits working with such a bunch of morons
Texas (3/22/2009 8:35:48 PM): well if i get promoted i will have to stay in.

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:35:58 PM): how come?

Texas (3/22/2009 8:37:05 PM): becouse then i would not get payed to get out and it would be hard to get out and make a move with out to much to have a coushin with i am just planing ahead

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:37:15 PM): okie
texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:37:16 PM): well
texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:37:31 PM): I am not sure what to say..if you get promoted, can you move units?
Texas (3/22/2009 8:37:41 PM): yep

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:38:38 PM): I just think you are working so hard to get promoted it seems like a waste but if you really want to get out I do understand that too. I guess I am a little scare of what is going to happen if you get out too

Texas (3/22/2009 8:39:00 PM): no you see how i’m torn, it could be this unit or it could be that i no longer want this i want to be with you guy;s more often.

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:39:13 PM): aww sweetie.  you are such a great husband.  well I don’t think you should base it on missing us because you are’t going to gone forever..and you know I mean some things are winding down(.  so you might not have to go again for a long time. but it’s nice to know that you miss us.

Texas (3/22/2009 8:41:42 PM): well i will keap on doing my point’s thing but we will know if i get excepted to border patrol when i’m on r&r and we can go from there

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:41:59 PM): okie I love you! I support you! I am proud of you! ha ha I am like a little cheerleader

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:47:27 PM): well I think we have lots of time to decide, we will just keep taking things day by day like we always do hun

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:47:39 PM): It will work out the way it’s supposed to

Texas (3/22/2009 8:48:05 PM): well we got 1 year to the day

we talked about some unrelated stuff.

Texas (3/22/2009 8:54:02 PM): ok well love you and junk.

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:54:11 PM): okie I love you and junk too
texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:54:14 PM): xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Texas (3/22/2009 8:54:24 PM): xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxxxooxoox  talk to you tomarrow

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:54:42 PM): okie baby see you tomorrow
texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:54:43 PM): xoxox

I feel like I have been lucky. I have had a fairly easy preganncy.  Morning sickness was minimal, I haven’t had any major complications and there hasn’t been any hospital visits.  Yes I hate getting fat, yes I have had heartburn from hell but really there isn’t much that I should be complaining about.  It has been hard with Texas being gone and that’s really been one of my biggest challenges. I am heading into some major unchartered waters and that does scare me. And yes although we are doing it together, we aren’t together and it makes it hard.  there is a disconnect there not only because we are physically apart, but also because there hs to be that disconnect for both our sanities sake.

It just seems unreal to me. I am pregnant. I am going to be a Mom.  My husband is deployed. I just don’t know how this happened. And i am not stronger then anyone, I am not better then anyone.  I am just living my life the best way I know how.  I am taking things day by day.

One thing I am trying to do is be more appreciatve and less selfish. I am trying to be more thoughtful. Taking care to let others in my life know how much I love them, how much I care about them.

I think it’s hard for me to come here because I write so many little updates and blogs in so many other places.

I feel like I should be doing a better job of documenting this journey.  I should be gathering all the notes I am writing in various places and compiling them into one permanent record of the life I live. But for some reason it’s hard for me to do that.  In my experience journals are full of pain, they remind me of the suffering I have experienced and over the years I have had to go back and delete years of written pages of my life because I found myself dwelling on the negative. Dwelling on past pain and using it to compound my current pain, using it to reenforce bad feelings about myself and dredge back even the good memories and wonder why I don’t feel that way anymore.  Maybe that’s why I have a hard time journaling now.  Because this is a painful time.  maybe this is a time I will not want to remember in five years. I mean what story is sadder then me pregnant, in a place that’s not my home, my husband deployed thousands of miles away.

Although i am a much different person now then I was almost 10 years ago when I first typed words onto a screen, into a “journal” or I guess they call them blogs now. I was in so much pain. I remember typing as tears streamed down my face often. Although lately it hasn’t felt much different.  It’s usually when I read well I have to go I Love you and junk, or I miss you and pickle.  but I guess it’s for different reasons now.  I am not going through the pain of a a breakup, nor am I riddled with self doubt.  When I cry it’s because I miss my husband. I miss his eyes, his smile, his smell. I miss his voice, this warmth, and holding his hand.

pregnancy and deployment blues Share Sun 1:34pm | Edit Note | Delete Well as most of you should have realized by now I am pregnant and my husband is deployed to Iraq for a year. I guess alot of people don’t know what to say. And that’s okie. It would be really nice if I just got an email once and a while. I don’t even need to talk about Jimi, or the pregnancy. It would just be nice to catch up on what’s happening in Winnipeg and with your lives too. Everything has happened so fast this year. Some days I was horribly bored I probably should have used those days to email eveyrone and see how they were doing) and other times I was so busy I felt like I had no time to even sit down. I learned how to live in a new country, a new city, a new life completely. I learned how to be a cook, a cleaner, an army wife, and just a wife. I dealt with the disappointment and triumphs that come with learning how to live a new life. Now I am pregnant which is something else that we didn’t exactly plan but are so happy and excited. Yes I know I said I didn’t want to have kids, and I have talked about adopting which is something we would still like to investigate. This just happened first. And it’s cool. Jimi can’t wait to be a Dad and I am still slightly apprehensive as I suppose every first time mother is. I know that this is not the ideal situation, me giving birth in the US living in the guest bedroom of my best friends house, my husband thousands of miles away. But it’s the way it is and I wouldn’t change it because my husband is awesome. We are both making sacrifices. I know that I talk about Jimi alot. I know that I am constantly reminding people of this, but I love my husband. He is everything to me. Living so far away from home, in a new place with very little outside support has made us as close as we possibly could be. Everyday is like falling in love all over again. I know I have a tendency to put the people I love on a pedestal, but he deserves it because he has never, ever let me down. He has worked so hard to support us on one income and still make sure that I don’t go without. He’s in Iraq right now working and busting his ass to get promoted so he will have a job to support his new family. All I can do is be here, supporting him by keeping our vows, sending him care packages, taking care of our things and business, and of course raising our baby. I think that unless you have really felt this love, unless you have really found the one it’s very hard to understand what it feels like. Even when everything is imperfect it still feels perfect. There are times when he seems to know when I am down or upset. He always seems to be able to know when I need an I love you message or to go out for dinner because I ruined whatever I was making. As for what it feels like now that he’s gone… That is something that I can’t explain and if you haven’t experienced it you won’t understand. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I thought that it wouldn’t be that big of a deal because we did the long distance thing. I never cried when we left each other. But it never seemed like we were that far apart. This was totally different. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest the day he left. It hurt me physically. There is a difference between me being in Canada and him in the US where we could just decide to see each other, we could talk on the phone or the internet whenever we wanted, and of course he was never in any danger. We said all the sweet things we could to each other before we said our last, see you later. You don’t say good bye in the army. Holding him that day, it felt so final. It felt so crushing. It felt so much bigger then both of us. So now he’s been gone almost a month. Everyday gets a little easier, everyday gets a little closer to the end of this. I am trying to keep busy, I am trying to keep healthy and grow a healthy baby for my husband to come home to. I am trying to better myself as a person, so my husband has a healthy wife to come home to. We are in love, with each other, with our little baby and with our lives. It’s not the easiest life, but it’s the one we have and I don’t think that either one of us would change it. I love my husband everyday no matter how near or far, no matter where this life takes us. I can only hope that he knows how I feel, and I make him as happy as he makes me.

I am feeling better again today.  I spent the night at a friends house and I really wish that I had been able to get someone to come stay with me or left as soon as he left because it makes things so much easier.

Leaving the house and coming home after being out are the hardest.  I know he’s not there. I know he’s not waiting for me…I know I won’t hear his keys in the door. It sucks. It really sucks.

I have also really struggled with feelings of unworthiness. My husband is wonderful and treats me so well. I know I am so lucky. I know that I have always had my moments of insecurity and it’s something that I think I have gotten over pretty well.  My husband doesn’t leave me wanting for anything, we never fight, he tells me I am beautiful even when I feel al fat and pregnant. He even tells me I look pretty without make up on.  It’s hard for me to feel like I live up to that. Especially when I haven’t cleaned the house in a few days, I have spent too much money or he didn’t like my dinner that I cooked.  I know that everyone is goin to say that my support and love, the fact that I am pregnant and taking care of myself and the baby while he is gone is how I show him my love, it’s why I am worthy of such a wonderful man.  But for some reason it’s so hard for me to really come to terms with. It’s so hard for me to really believe it.  My rational brain knows that I live and die for my husband. I love him and hold him in the highest regard. My vows are not just words that I said but promises I made that I hold in my heart.   They are tattooed in my brain and on my soul.

It’s so hard for me to feel like I am worth this mans’ love when he is sacrificing everything for me for our baby.  I can only hope that I do right by him while he’s gone.  I know he’s been disappointed in the past when he’s come home from deployment.  I just want him to be happy.

Right now he’s overseas but he’s not in Iraq yet.  If you want to send him something I can give you his APO address just PM me because I don’t want to give it out on here.  Or you can send stuff to me and I will just include it.

I really appreciate all the love and support from everyone.  It means so much to know you are all here helping keep me strong. Especially when I have been so absent from all your blogs.  Please know I am always thinking about you and when I meditate I am always saying a prayer for you all.

Much love

Michelle

I got to talk to my husband today! I was so excited! we didn’t get to talk for long on yahoo but we talked for a bit and it was so awesome. He asked me to check the account and oh my god we have 30 dollars till the 15th. I know we had to get a lot of last minute stuff and we are so broke. He asked for some money on the 15th but I am getting all upset thinking that my husband is stuck in Kuwait without any money. I really didn’t realize that we were so low and then he gives it to me to make sure I have enough. I was so happy to talk to him this morning but I have been so upset about this as the day has gone on. I seriously feel so guilty. We had to buy a new computer but did we have to get the stupid blackberry? no! I could have waited, but he did it for me. He does everything for me and I couldn’t even keep the house clean the week before he left. I seriously didn’t realize the blackberry ws like a mini computer and I could have just gotten one and waited for the other. I feel so stupid. I just want to bring it back but it’s totally too late for that now… I have spend the last 2 hours crying off and on about this

update

I have already gotten to talk to him twice, and I let out some of how upset I was yesterday that we didn’t have any money, and God I just have such an awesome husband. He was like it’s okie don’t worry about it I just need soap because I forgot to bring some. He’s amazing. When he signed off yahoo he said love you 2 and I said I didn’t even say love you yet, and he said no I mean you and pickle.

*tear* seriously. Best husband ever. I never, ever want to forget how lucky I am.

I decided as soon as I get to California I am going to get a package together for him to send off. I already bought him a little something yesterda (before I realized how broke we were lol)

Pickle has been kicking alot. Last night I had a dream that I was getting beat up and someone kept kicking me in the stomach. lol

Alot better today. I was still pretty sad yesterday but it’s already sinking in. I don’t want to waste this whole time crying about how much I am missing him because I know he’s missing me too but he doesn’t have the luxury of thinking about it everyday because he has a job to do. And the reality is I have a job to do to, making sure that our baby is healthy, packing, moving and taking care of our life to make it better for when he comes back to us.

I meditated and said some prayers to Buddha last night and I swear that’s why I woke up this morning feeling so much more at peace with things.

This next year is going to be good for us a lot of ways and it’s only going to easier if I am positive about it.

I love my husband so much and we are so lucky we have the amazing relationship we do, that I know we can get through this and things will be even better.

I actually made myself some dinner yesterday and I think it sort of snapped me into reality.  I can do this, I am doing it.  This is a chance for me to accomplish some goals as well.  this is a chance for my husband to come back to an even better person that is even more in love with him.

And no one told me that it would hurt this bad.  I know that it’s been hanging over our heads. Lingering like a black cloud.  I really wasn’t sure how I would react and honestly up until today I felt like I was doing really well. I felt like it was something else and we would deal with it.  But knowing that I am not going ot see him again for a year, knowing I am not going to be sleeping beside him, he won’t be rubbing my belly.  I know, I know I am trying not to think of what he is missing, of what I am missing.  I am trying to take it one day at a time.  Hoping that each day things will get a little easier. but right now it honestly physically hurts.

I kissed him good bye and told him how much I loved him. I told him he was the best husband ever.  He told me that I was the best wife ever and he was going to miss me.  It was so hard to let him go.  So unbelievably hard.  When he said good bye to the cat I lost it.  I dont’ know how I managed to stop crying.  He told me to take care of pickle and not to miss him too much because half of him was inside me. He never misses an opportrunity to make someone laugh.

I am going to write more later.  This is too hard right now. Although it will probably be just as hard tomorrow.