Texaslovescanada’s Weblog

closing this blog

I have some wonderful people in my life. I have always had this thing where I feel really selfish in my relationships and I am trying to change that. I am trying to become more confident in my ability to be a good friend but I am also trying to remember to thank the people who have helped me, who have made a difference, who matter in my life. I am trying to give them credit and praise and remind myself how lucky I am to have such beautiful people in my life. I think that part of being a Buddhist, or trying to live a Buddhist life to be thankful, to remember to live with compassion but do not be attached to what you have been given by others. Do not be attached to their attitudes, their help, their compassion or your feelings towards them. This is by far my most difficult task. I get very attached, very quickly to most people, places and things. I live in a world where nothing changes, I mean seriously I am still 21 in my head and in my heart. I find the words I am 31 hard to say. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes it’s a bad thing I guess.

So I will leave you with the Noble Eightfold Path which I think will help explain what I am talkin about. I am always trying to practice these principals. I think thankfulness and recognition is part of this. Your ego will always be selfish and try and tell you that you deserve help, you deserve the things that are given because you are a good person. But it is not so. You are compassionate because you want to be, because it is right, not because you expect of deserve compassion back.

1^st step: Right understanding.

In order to understand well the four noble truths, the three characteristics of the universe, which we name: anicca: the impermanent character of things, dukkha: The unsatisfactory character of things, and anatta: The character of absence of self-inherent reality in things.

2^nd step: Right thought.

It lies in cultivating thoughts free from jealousy, ill will and cruelty.

3^rd step: Right speech.

To abstain from false speech, from malicious gossip, from coarse and vain talks.

4^th step: Right action.

Not to kill, not to steal, refraining from sexual misconduct.

5^th step: Right livelihood.

To earn one’s living in a worthy way by being totally honest and by shunning the practices of weapons, living beings or animal flesh trafficking, inclusive of poisons’, liquors’ (and drugs’) sales.

6^th step: Right endeavor.

The effort to overcome what is unfavourable, the effort to avoid what is unfavourable, the effort to develop what is favourable and the effort to promote what is favourable.

7^th step: Right mindfulness (attention).

The contemplation of the body, the feelings, the mind and phenomena (vipassaná).

8^th step: Right concentration.

This is the one-pointedness of the mind concentrated on a single object. The eight steps of the eight fold path are naturally developed as soon as we turn our attention to reality. That is the case during the practice of vipassaná, method which has been taught by Buddha as being the only means leading to the experience of nibbána.

There is no fire like greed,
No crime like hatred,
No sorrow like separation,
No sickness like hunger of heart,
And no joy like the joy of freedom.

Health, contentment and trust
Are your greatest possessions,
And freedom your greatest joy.

Look within. Be still.
Free from fear and attachment,
Know the sweet joy of living in the way.

from the Dhammapada, Words of the Buddha

So I promised myself I would write everyday and I have failed. BADLY! so I still want to do it, but it’s hard to find the time, the gumption, the creativity after a long day of baby wrangling.  So it’s 11 at night, everyone else is sleeping except me.  Not goin to lie this week has been rough. Pickle has been a cranky bear!  I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him other then possible teething because he kept chewing on his hand. He didn’t really seem interested in food (unusual), he slept really well for a couple of nights, and then last night he was up what felt like 484858493 times. He woke up this morning screaming (not unusual, sadly) and he clung on to me like his life depended on it all day.

Early afternoon he started feeling really hot and he was inconsolable.  I took his temp and it was 100. I gave him some motrin, gave him a cool bath and it continued to climb. By the time I got him out of the bath, his breathing was heavy and his temp was 103. I called Texas and told him to come straight home because it was time for another ER trip (one of what seems like endless ER trips).

Since Texas was not feeling well he declined to come with me because he thought we would have to wait forever and they wouldn’t really take us seriously. Well this time they did and he was admitted fairly quickly.  They did a few things, and decided to send him for chest xrays which was horrible. He screamed and screamed and screamed. Of course they screwed one of the slides up and so they had to redo it and he screamed so more. They gave him back to me a hot sweaty, red faced little ball of tears and fury.

Shortly after they told me they would need to put an IV in and take blood as well as do a nasal syringe. No explanation of why…I finally had to ask what was going on, and they told me that he had the start of pneumonia and they were going to give him steroids, and antibiotics in the IV.  Watchin the IV and blood taken was horrible. I have had to watch it one other time and although this time was much less painful it was no less painful for me to watch.  Three people had to hold him down while I kissed his sweaty cheeks and told him his mommy was here and he was going to be ok.

I called Texas and told him he needed to come to the hospital because I could not go through this again. He arrived shortly after Pickle puked all over me….mmm nothing like the smell of rancid milk. I am sorry but anyone who says they love that smell (ahem Sandra Bullock) has some kind of sinus blockage or something is horribly wrong with their head. It’s.not.nice.

Finally he started perking up and playing with the little duck they gave him.  I was so happy to see my chubby faced red headed baby bouncing around and loving life again. After all that was done they sent us home with alot of instructions and an armful of medications.

I hope that tonight is an easy night for my little baby. It’s amazing how annoyed I was with him all week, so frustrated at his crankiness and wishing that I could get him to talk so he could tell me anything about what was wrong. To feeling such relief and happiness at knowing what is wrong and wanting to do anything to make it better.

How our homecoming went.

He called me at 8 a.m and said his flight was getting around 10:00 okie wow that means I have 2 hours to get ready, during Desmonds usual breakfast time, so now I have to try and get ready, get him ready and find time to nurse. LOL it did not go well. But somehow I managed to do it. I got off to the airport and I didn’t even get lost getting there. Desmond was pissed off and cried the whole way there. He didn’t know what was going on and why Mommy was running around like a crazy lady.

I had arranged for a photographer through operation love reunited (www.oplove.org) and he got there a few minutes after I did. After we looked at the arrival times we realized his flight was delayed until 11:00, we had another hour to wait!

I chatted with the photographer and as it got closer to the flights arrival time I was getting more and more nervous. People had started gathering around to great their family and there was probably about 20 people or so waiting for their loved ones as well. Some people had overheard me talking to the photographer about how long Texas had been away and I heard them repeating the story to each other, making me even more nervous for some reason.

I finally saw some boots at the verrry top of the stairs and I looked at the photographer and said I see boots!! I see his boots! I went a little closer to see if I could see if it was really him coming down the steps. I finally saw that it was him! My heart lept into my throat. But for some reason he was walking so slow, it was like he was taking each step with the utmost caution for fear he would tumble down them if he walked too fast. When he got down to about the 4th step from the bottom I got as close to the line as I could and I said FASTER, FASTER, FASTEr, and my whole body was shaking. I knew in a moment we would be holding each other, I would be touching him, smelling him. I knew that after all this waiting he would be mine again.

He made it to the last step and I ran towards him and smooshed me and Desmond into his arms, I let out a cry. I felt like I would never let go. I heard people behind us clapping and cheering. I couldn’t believe it. A few tears escaped and I felt my face flush red. After holding us for now where near long enough we walked back towards the stroller and to be honest I really have no memory of what we talked about or what happened until a lady came up to us and shook Texas’ hand and said thank you to us both for our service to this country and told us we had a beautiful family. It was so touching.

We drove back from the airport and Texas showered and changed and we spent the day together just doing normal everyday things to be honest. Things we would do in Lawton, things that we will do once we are a family together again for good.

http://norling.smugmug.com/gallery/9081303_vNUUf/1/604784512_tZPiZ?ref=mf#604784512_tZPiZ

link to the pictures

Everything has been great. We are a bit worried about the cat, but Desmond has done really well and everyday I fall more in love with Texas seeing him with our son. He is an amazing Dad, absolutely amazing.

ell the reason he didn’t want to come out is because he is ten fucking pounds! Lol I’m so exhausted it’s now 4am because I was in recovery for a long time because of all the epi they pumped in me.

before they realized I would need a c section I asked for an epi because I was not progressing and I was having contractions one on top of the other. I sat on the birth ball but kept gushing fluid and I couldn’t handle it lol. I walked around but the contractions no matter how hard they got were not moving things along. So they gave me an epi and kept turning it up cause I was in a lot of pain for a long time. It ended up being cause they forgot to cath me and I was full of piss. Apparently more so then usual. When they finally cathed me it was sweet relief.

So I slept for a while casue I was dead tired and my dr came in and said I had made no progress in like 2 hours so it was time for a c section cause the baby wanted to come out he was trying to push out but my body was not cooperating and his heart rate was dropping.

So I went in to the operating room there was a million people in there it was all crazy because they wanted to get him out cause of his heart rate. They told me I would feel pushing and pulling I barely felt that till they told me they were taking the baby out and I would feel pushing on my chest. It felt like they were sitting on me. And that’s basically what Jen described that she saw

I heard them say awwww and then say oh my that’s a big baby! They brought him around the curtain and jen and I started crying. She got to cut the cord and take pictures. He’s so beautiful. Jimi posted on face bok and I’m on my bb so I can’t but I will try and get something up as soon as I can I don’t rmember the exact details of time and everything cause it was sucha whirlwind so hopefully the give you a paper with that jazz on it. Oh and he already loves the boob abd latches perfect and apparently I have good breast feeding boobies. Lol And I love u all and thank u for all the encouragment and love all day! It was sooooo helpful and it kept me going!

I laboured from 830 am to about 630 before I asked for the epi and they told me I would need a c section. Desmond was born at around 945.when they took him out he was facing down and sideways not down and to the back like he was supposed to be. They basically told me there was no way to get him out without a c section.
Already a difficult child one day into this world. Lol

I spent the day at labour and delivery because the cats got in a really bad fight and I was trying to break them up and after chasing them up the stairs I fell. I hit my stomach and I called the Dr and she said because I am 35 weeks that I needed to come in and make sure everything was okie. the monitored me and the heartbeat was fine but they noticed I was having contractions. Duh I didn’t know what they felt like. lol

So then they sent me down for an ultrasound just to make sure that everything was good and it was, she said that pickle looked good and that she saw hair! I kept having contractions but they said I wasn’t dilated so they gave me a shot of terbeline or turobline or something like that to stop the contractions. That worked for about half an hour and they started right back again and were even worse and closer together. so they kept monitoring me and took blood and checked my stuff and said that I still hadn’t dilated at all so they were going to send me home on bed rest and I have to go back again tomorrow to be monitored to make sure I m not having any problems or to see if I am more dilated and I am ready to have pickle.

I am still having contractions but I am feeling okie and I just have to take it easy the next couple of days and hopefully I will just be able to go another couple of weeks or so. I am really not sure what’s going to happen and I got kind of scared because I was all alone in the hospital all day.

I really feel like I don’t always have a lot to talk about but I guess this is my place to vent if I want to vent, cry if I want to cry and laugh if I want to laugh.

These last couple of weeks have been stressful. Things at the house could be better to be honest.  And as it gets closer and closer to the due date the reality of what is happening is really starting to sink in. Of course then I think why has it taken this long to sink in?  To be honest the reality of the situation has always been there looming, hovering just over my head but sometimes it’s just easier to look up and only see sunshine.

The daily destractions of life make it easier to take things day by day and not get too far ahead of myself.

I am feeling a little wierd right now. I will have to pick this up later.

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:27:52 PM): how are things going?

Texas (3/22/2009 8:29:33 PM): well i’m just realy starting to think that i was right in getting out the first time. and now just realy tired of it, but scared of change alittle but if i go border patrole i think i will find what i’m looking for

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:29:52 PM): what are you tired of?
texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:30:21 PM): and it would be a big change and I understand why you would be scared, but you have me and pickle!

Texas (3/22/2009 8:32:33 PM): well just doing nouthing, and this unit it’s just not what i think i want, or wanted. i think when i decided i want to go back in i was having a really bad case of survivers guilt. pluse i was single now i want to be home with you guy’s. but still have a job that is a little exciting

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:33:24 PM): Aww. I know this must be really different for you because you have a family that loves and misses you so much. you know I will always support you in whatever you decide.  You are a really good provider and I know you always think of our best interests

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:34:37 PM): I still think you should keep working and try and get promoted and then just go from there. I know it’s hard though to keep in good spirits working with such a bunch of morons
Texas (3/22/2009 8:35:48 PM): well if i get promoted i will have to stay in.

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:35:58 PM): how come?

Texas (3/22/2009 8:37:05 PM): becouse then i would not get payed to get out and it would be hard to get out and make a move with out to much to have a coushin with i am just planing ahead

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:37:15 PM): okie
texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:37:16 PM): well
texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:37:31 PM): I am not sure what to say..if you get promoted, can you move units?
Texas (3/22/2009 8:37:41 PM): yep

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:38:38 PM): I just think you are working so hard to get promoted it seems like a waste but if you really want to get out I do understand that too. I guess I am a little scare of what is going to happen if you get out too

Texas (3/22/2009 8:39:00 PM): no you see how i’m torn, it could be this unit or it could be that i no longer want this i want to be with you guy;s more often.

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:39:13 PM): aww sweetie.  you are such a great husband.  well I don’t think you should base it on missing us because you are’t going to gone forever..and you know I mean some things are winding down(.  so you might not have to go again for a long time. but it’s nice to know that you miss us.

Texas (3/22/2009 8:41:42 PM): well i will keap on doing my point’s thing but we will know if i get excepted to border patrol when i’m on r&r and we can go from there

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:41:59 PM): okie I love you! I support you! I am proud of you! ha ha I am like a little cheerleader

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:47:27 PM): well I think we have lots of time to decide, we will just keep taking things day by day like we always do hun

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:47:39 PM): It will work out the way it’s supposed to

Texas (3/22/2009 8:48:05 PM): well we got 1 year to the day

we talked about some unrelated stuff.

Texas (3/22/2009 8:54:02 PM): ok well love you and junk.

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:54:11 PM): okie I love you and junk too
texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:54:14 PM): xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Texas (3/22/2009 8:54:24 PM): xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxxxooxoox  talk to you tomarrow

texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:54:42 PM): okie baby see you tomorrow
texaslovescanada (3/22/2009 8:54:43 PM): xoxox

I feel like I have been lucky. I have had a fairly easy preganncy.  Morning sickness was minimal, I haven’t had any major complications and there hasn’t been any hospital visits.  Yes I hate getting fat, yes I have had heartburn from hell but really there isn’t much that I should be complaining about.  It has been hard with Texas being gone and that’s really been one of my biggest challenges. I am heading into some major unchartered waters and that does scare me. And yes although we are doing it together, we aren’t together and it makes it hard.  there is a disconnect there not only because we are physically apart, but also because there hs to be that disconnect for both our sanities sake.

It just seems unreal to me. I am pregnant. I am going to be a Mom.  My husband is deployed. I just don’t know how this happened. And i am not stronger then anyone, I am not better then anyone.  I am just living my life the best way I know how.  I am taking things day by day.

One thing I am trying to do is be more appreciatve and less selfish. I am trying to be more thoughtful. Taking care to let others in my life know how much I love them, how much I care about them.

I think it’s hard for me to come here because I write so many little updates and blogs in so many other places.

I feel like I should be doing a better job of documenting this journey.  I should be gathering all the notes I am writing in various places and compiling them into one permanent record of the life I live. But for some reason it’s hard for me to do that.  In my experience journals are full of pain, they remind me of the suffering I have experienced and over the years I have had to go back and delete years of written pages of my life because I found myself dwelling on the negative. Dwelling on past pain and using it to compound my current pain, using it to reenforce bad feelings about myself and dredge back even the good memories and wonder why I don’t feel that way anymore.  Maybe that’s why I have a hard time journaling now.  Because this is a painful time.  maybe this is a time I will not want to remember in five years. I mean what story is sadder then me pregnant, in a place that’s not my home, my husband deployed thousands of miles away.

Although i am a much different person now then I was almost 10 years ago when I first typed words onto a screen, into a “journal” or I guess they call them blogs now. I was in so much pain. I remember typing as tears streamed down my face often. Although lately it hasn’t felt much different.  It’s usually when I read well I have to go I Love you and junk, or I miss you and pickle.  but I guess it’s for different reasons now.  I am not going through the pain of a a breakup, nor am I riddled with self doubt.  When I cry it’s because I miss my husband. I miss his eyes, his smile, his smell. I miss his voice, this warmth, and holding his hand.